The Musician Who Ruined December 29th

For Unto us a Ham is Born

“Christmas draws near, dragging with her festive joys the familiar musical tumors that will never leave us because they appear to be inoperable.” -The Annals of Joe Henry

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Liverpool, England, ca. 1909. Frederic Austin sits at your table. Everyone is eagerly singing through The Twelve Days of Christmas as quickly as possible, pounding in cheerful rhythm:

FOUR da-da-da-da, THREE da-da-da-da, TWO da-da-da-da…

And now Austin— he’s been waiting to show his ‘rendition.’ (In fact he’s even going to send it to Novello & Co. who will actually publish it and ruin the song forever.) Opening his arms, desperate for attention, he grinds the excitement to a halt:

FIVE! GOLD-EN… RINGSSSS!!

That was …weird, you think. Everyone is a bit stunned by his brazenness. A few people turn to have a good look at him. The bodhrán player stops his beating. But they soon get on with it:

Four colly birds,
Three French hens…

But then it’s the sixth day of Christmas: