The Musician Who Ruined December 29th
For Unto us a Ham is Born
“Christmas draws near, dragging with her festive joys the familiar musical tumors that will never leave us because they appear to be inoperable.” -The Annals of Joe Henry
Liverpool, England, ca. 1909. Frederic Austin sits at your table. Everyone is eagerly singing through The Twelve Days of Christmas as quickly as possible, pounding in cheerful rhythm:
FOUR da-da-da-da, THREE da-da-da-da, TWO da-da-da-da…
And now Austin— he’s been waiting to show his ‘rendition.’ (In fact he’s even going to send it to Novello & Co. who will actually publish it and ruin the song forever.) Opening his arms, desperate for attention, he grinds the excitement to a halt:
FIVE! GOLD-EN… RINGSSSS!!
That was …weird, you think. Everyone is a bit stunned by his brazenness. A few people turn to have a good look at him. The bodhrán player stops his beating. But they soon get on with it:
Four colly birds,
Three French hens…
But then it’s the sixth day of Christmas:
